A dozen roses, a heart-shaped box of chocolates and subtle professions of love written on the tops of tooth-breaking, pastel-coloured candies. Valentine’s Day can be a holiday full of sweet rituals and treats, but for some it can also be a painful reminder of the absence of partnership in their lives. 

This year, the romantic holiday arrives one year into a pandemic – a stressful and lonely time for everyone, with its own set of unique challenges for single people. 

“As humans we’re social creatures but if you live alone and now work from home, you can unfortunately go for long lengths of time without speaking to another human,” says Laella Saffer, a therapist on the Inkblot platform. “The places where it’s typical to meet potential dating partners- coffee shops, gyms, parties- are impossible for now. And online dating and navigating others’ comfort level during a pandemic can be particularly difficult too.

With less day-to-day contact with others (sometimes even going months without human touch) and dating relegated to the awkward world of Zoom, what are some ways for single people to cope during this time and even use it to prepare for healthier relationships?

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1. Reflect on Your Values and What You Want From a Relationship. While the idea of having a partner to share walks or cuddles with might be especially comforting right now, it’s important to take the time to consider what it is you really want from a partner before jumping from Zoom to quarantining together.  “As you start dating, the overarching theme is to slow things down a bit,” says Diane Gibson, a couples’ therapist on the Inkblot platform. “Knowing yourself well, really knowing yourself in regards to love is really important.” 

   Saffer suggests starting by getting clear on what your values are and what your non-negotiables are for a partnership. “Value alignment is one of the most important things for your relationship health,” says Saffer. “I’d advise that single people try to get clear on what their hard values are – what are the things they are not willing to give up? Knowing that ahead of time before a relationship can be really helpful.”  

2. Try to Understand Your Own Relationship Patterns. If you’re looking to date during the pandemic, consider first what tensions have existed in your past relationships and how you can improve your relationship skills for the future. “Start by being aware of how you love and why you love and why you love who you love,” says Gibson. “A lot of us weren’t taught well how to seek partners or show our love for others. We come from family homes that were tumultuous or abusive or even just neglectful. But we can learn to be better.” 

   Working with a therapist to understand your attachment style can be one good stepping stone in that process. “As much as we don’t want to think about it, the way we’re raised has a lot to do with the type of partner we seek later in life,” says Saffer. “If we’ve noticed any negative patterns with attachment, we want to start examining those and how to break them.” 

3. Explore Other Ways to Meet Your Needs Outside of a Relationship. While a partner is one way to get your social and emotional needs met, they’re certainly not the only way. In fact, over-relying on your partner for emotional or social connection can create enormous strain in the relationship.  Saffer advises working to identify the gaps you’re feeling in your own life right now and explore small ways to address them. “As with all emotions, try not to dismiss or ignore those loneliness feelings even though they’re hurtful and hard to deal with,” she says. “Instead, try to see how you can support yourself and fill those needs that you would ideally like a partner to fill.”  If you’re craving someone to talk to, Saffer suggests scheduling regular Zoom calls with friends or family. If you desire company, try reaching out to a friend for a walk. Learning how to plan to meet your own needs will teach you valuable resiliency skills that are critical for relationship success. 
4. Know That Pandemic Dating Doesn’t Actually Have to Suck. If you do want to be dating right now, know that while things may look different than usual, it doesn’t have to suck. Going on distanced walks and online dates can be a good way to start building a connection with someone new – whether it works out romantically or not. “There are some really cool ideas emerging on how to connect virtually,” says Gibson. “Some people are gaming together or watching movies virtually together. I encourage (my single patients) to chat online and try to have some good conversation and fun with new people so when lockdown is over, they can meet in person and feel like they’ve been dating...We will get through this and in the meantime, we can find fun and unique things to do safely.”  
5. Get Creative About Connection. Social connection is essential for our overall well-being and something many single people might be experiencing a lack of right now. Try to find creative ways to remain socially connected – whether to friends or everyday social ties.  “If you’re a people person, try remaining in touch with people in your surroundings or neighborhood. Small chats with a teenager delivering newspapers, talking to the person at the till of a grocery store or saying hi to people walking their pets can indeed be nourishing,” says Iram Bilal, an Inkblot therapist based in Alberta. 
6. Deepen Your Connection With Yourself. Finally, being single presents an opportunity to connect deeper with yourself - especially in a pandemic. Lean into your interests and hobbies, set goals for the future and get excited about being with you. “Try looking for activities that really connect with you,” says Bilal. “If you’re a creative person follow your heart to write down your feelings, draw or paint something, or follow an interesting recipe. If you’re a person who loves nature, go outside for a few minutes and watch the snowflakes or notice the movement of tree branches with the breeze.”  Building a strong connection with yourself and working on your mental wellness, Bilal stresses, will be critical for a healthy future – partnered or not. “Taking care of you and your mental health is essential for preparing you for a secure relationship,” says Bilal. “Remember that if you’re doing well, you’ll be better able to develop healthy relationships with others and handle the ups and downs of life."

Reach out to the counsellors at Inkblot Therapy to help if you want to work on your personal and relationship skills. Remember – you are not alone. Inkblot can help. It’s easy to make an appointment with a therapist tailored to your individual needs and sessions are available as soon as today.