If you’ve ever struggled with setting boundaries in your personal or work relationships, you’re not alone. Boundary-setting is one of the more challenging skills of interpersonal communication, and there’s a very good reason for that.

“We aren’t born with the ability to set boundaries. It's not something we inherently know how to do,” says Alberta-based therapist and social worker Audra Potter. “It’s a skill we have to learn.”

Generally, we first learn about boundaries from our families—how the adults in our lives deal with conflict. So if, later in life, you have trouble speaking up about your wants and needs, or you have difficulty communicating during arguments, it might be because you weren’t ever equipped with these skills in the first place.

“Often we weren’t given the tools when we were young and we don't realize we’re lacking those skills until we need them and we don't have them,” says Potter.

Difficult But Necessary

In addition to it being a skillset that requires practice, boundary-setting is difficult for many reasons. Even if you learned about boundaries in a healthy environment, being able to put them into practice is only useful if you know what you want out of a situation. Being clear on your needs is the first step to being able to act in alignment with them.

The types of big emotions often involved in conflict can also get in the way of clear and healthy boundary-setting. “When [emotions] get big and intense it’s nearly impossible to be effective in how we communicate,” says Potter.

But communicating your boundaries is a necessary skill to adopt for any type of relationship you engage with—be it romantic, familial or professional. “Boundaries are basically our rules that we set in relationships. They help to tell you and other people what’s OK and what’s not OK,” says Potter. In other words, she says, boundaries are like personal instruction manuals.

“Boundaries help you operate your relationships.”

Tools for Setting Boundaries

Doing boundary work is an important step in honouring your needs and validating yourself. “When I start boundary work with clients I always tell them this is work you’re doing on yourself, strategies you’re learning for you,” says Potter. With that in mind, here are some tools you can use when setting boundaries in all areas of your life.

1. Self-Reflection: First, get clear on your needs and values—“If you don't know you can’t set good boundaries,” reminds Potter.. Learning about your personal values can support you in many facets of your life, including self-care, but when writing your own instruction manual for others to refer to, they can make all the difference. “Our values are our reason why,” she says. “If we understand why we’re setting boundaries, because they’re connected to values that are important to us, it’s easier to stay consistent with them.”
2. Use Clear and Respectful Communication: Once you’ve landed on boundaries that align with your values, you’re ready to communicate them to others—and the way you communicate can dictate the tone of the conversation. Boundaries can bring up feelings of guilt in shame in both those setting them and those receiving them, so remaining calm and clear is key. “This means speaking up about your feelings and needs by honouring them with I-statements,” says Potter. “I feel angry when you don't call me when you’re going to be late.” Tools like this, rather than lashing out emotionally in the moment, can help you stick to your original goal: honouring and communicating your needs.

3. Learn When to Take a Break: Sometimes conversations can get heated, especially if you feel like your boundaries are being broken, and you should know it’s OK to take a pause in those moments to ensure you’re still able to communicate clearly and respectfully. “You don't have to stay (in a conversation) if you know you’re not going to be able to effectively communicate,” says Potter. “It can be a simple statement: I’m feeling that I‘m getting agitated so I'm going to take a break and come back and talk to you when I’m calm.” Taking a walk around the block, or even going into another room and clearing your head can have a positive impact on the outcome of the conversation.

   And a reminder: just because you set a boundary doesn’t mean the other person will give you the response you want. People can choose whether or not to respect your boundaries, but since the work is about you instead of about controlling the reactions of others, setting boundaries can serve as a way to gather the information you need to make choices in those relationships.

   "The point is to control and respect your space,” says Potter. “If they continue to disrespect you and walk all over those boundaries, that’s information they’re giving you. They’re telling you they’re not someone able to honour and respect your space.”

4. Get Comfortable With Discomfort: Learning to tell people what you want—or saying no to people, the horror!—can be incredibly uncomfortable if it’s new to you. A big part of boundary work is learning to sit in that discomfort and not bend your boundaries to fit someone’s reaction to them.

   “These are hard emotions to sit with,” says Potter, who first recommends therapy to anyone who wants to learn how to set and stick with boundaries. “A therapist can teach you about ways to be present with your emotions, to be able to explore those emotions, provide that guidance and support.”

   If you’re not ready for therapy, you can engage in practices like mindfulness and reflective journaling on your own. “Start small,” says Potter. “You don’t have to stay present with an emotion through the whole emotion, especially the first couple of times.” Learning to sit with an emotion, even for a few minutes, is progress that you can build on, she says.

Boundary-setting is undoubtedly a difficult practice at first, but the more you work at it, the more you’ll be able to set up relationships in your life that honour and validate your needs, and the easier it will be to step away from relationships that no longer serve you.